Using Etiquette to Build Influence
In September last year we explored how etiquette relates to leadership in the article “Leadership Etiquette = Respect.” We’re revisiting etiquette again, this time in relation to how you can use it to increase your influence. (Hmmmm. Etiquette seems to somehow connect with everything!)
Defining Etiquette: A Reminder
As we described it then, at KDI Consulting we think of etiquette as being the guidelines/rules for appropriate behavior in a given context. Manners are the acting out of those guidelines — how we actually behave. Most people learn as children what’s considered basic “good manners” in their culture. But these skills get polished and more sophisticated as we become adults and learn, either consciously or unconsciously, the subtleties of etiquette in our daily lives.
So how does this relate to your influence with others? Well, the bottom line seems to be a simple equation:
Good etiquette = positive influence
Bad etiquette = negative influence
It’s all about your behavior and how others perceive you. And for good or ill, this behavior becomes part of your personal brand. So, assuming you want to have a positive influence on others, you need to make understanding etiquette part of your overall influence “tool kit.” For example, do you behave in ways that lead others to trust you? Do they believe there will be a positive outcome if they follow your suggestions?
Building Influence
As you already know, it’s the “little things” that make a big difference. To create positive influence, you need to consider how you treat others and communicate with them, whether the relationships are professional, social or personal. This is where etiquette comes in. Here are some practical suggestions for using it to increase your positive influence with others.
- • Make eye contact with those you encounter to grow trust and rapport. Avoid darting eyes or, even worse, no eye contact at all. This signals distrust and possible bad intentions.
- • Use and remember peoples’ names and pronounce them correctly. You’ll gain more rapport and influence if you’re honest and state, “Please remind me of your name” or “Could you please pronounce your name for me; I want to say it correctly.” This is actually better than pretending you remember when you don’t or slaughtering the pronunciation!
- • Set down the cell phone! You need to listen first and pay attention to really hear and understand what another person is saying. This is especially important in meetings and other situations where multiple people have vested interests in getting their points across.
- • Always under-promise and over-deliver. If you’ve stated that you’ll follow up with a phone call or that you’ll send an important document, be sure to make the call or send the item. If you accidentally miss it, call/send, apologize and move on.
- • If your voice message or email auto responder states, “I will return calls/emails by X date,” make sure you return the message by the date you promised.
- • Don’t ghost people. If you’re in the midst of a conversation, a deal or growing a relationship, be sure everyone knows that the conversation is concluded before moving on. Don’t leave others waiting and wondering.
- • Go the extra mile. Send follow-up thank you notes or, when appropriate, short emails/texts of thanks or acknowledgment.
These subtle communication practices are only part of what good etiquette includes. The term may get a bad rap as being “old fashioned,” and some argue that times have changed and that etiquette isn’t needed. However, at the core it provides the foundational guidelines required for bringing order to our behavior.
Knowing how to pay someone a compliment, pass a dish at the table or format a thank-you note may not be required for creating positive influence. Behaviors like these might seem small and insignificant, but when combined they grow unstoppable positive influence and rapport. And this will not only allow you to get your foot in the door; it will give you a better chance of keeping it there.
